Even though I am a upper level, I do still have many issues and I still get affected by them.  One issue that I see a lot recently with myself is that I have a problem with those who are in more power than me, its not that I don’t respect those who are in power of me its just that I still have a problem accepting things I don’t like or that I don’t believe in.  I know that things happen and people don’t have control over things.  Another issue I have still with myself is that fact that I have a lot of anger within myself and that I need to take it and let it go.  My anger in the past has brought me into many wrong situations and it has almost brought me down in my program.  I am working on both issues and as I go through the program I will be better on these issues.

I think I have a lot to work on especially since I have gone through PC1.  I know I need to work on my entitlement issues, listening to what other say.  I also need to take a step back some times and look at the big picture rather than the small corners of the frames.  I need to work on thinking about how my reactions will affect me in the future and how I will choose to handle them if they come up again.  There are a lot of ways to work on these things, but I just need to apply myself and do the work I need to.  That’s another thing applying myself and doing the work.  I feel like it is a waste of time, so I won’t do it.  I think sometimes making goals helps me.  So I should make more of them and more often.  I can also take things one step at a time and even use the accountability formula.  I think talking and spreading myself out to peers and staff could help me spread myself out to broader ideas and ways to do things.  As far as my reactions, I think maybe trusting myself to take in and get feed back in the moment would help me.  I know I have some a long way in only 9 months but these are main things I see come up for on a weekly basis.

I see that I still have some issues to work on with my family.  I see that sometimes I don’t tell my parents how I feel because I don’t want them to think nothing bad about me.  I see that me and my parents need to open up to each other and tell each other how we feel about each other.  I want to talk to them about how the friends that I had at home weren’t good friends for me.  My anger would bring me down and I saw that when I get mad I would avoid talking to my parents and I would go and hangout with my friends and try to forget about it but that would just make things worse.  I see that I use my anger a lot at home to cover my emotion and my feelings. This is some of the things that I need to work on with my parents. 

I have made many improvements and changes to my behavior and thinking process throughout my stay here at the Academy at Ivy Ridge.  Even though I have made a complete 180 degrees turn around I still have many issues I need to work on and I will be working how to better myself and my entire life.  I still need to work on communication and control.  Sometimes when I talk to others I tell them what to do and interfere with their plans when I should just let people do what the are doing as long as it is working.  Of course if I see someone making a bad non-working decision I will not let them bring themselves or myself down.  Sometimes I get to controlling.  Also, I tend to react when I am talking to a person and I do not respond.  To work on this I need to think more before I act and think about what I say before I say it.

The things that I still need to work on are my attitude, the way I come off when I am angry especially my bitterness because when I am bitter, I get sarcastic and stuff.  That is not working for me cause I need to just learn to step left and move on because I tend to just stay stuck and don’t even like to think about what I’m saying or how I might be hurting people.  Also I need to work on getting so mad at my mom so much because I know she loves me and she only is doing what she thinks is right.  But I know that I am definally thankful for everything, yet I need to work on not really being inconsiderate when I’m in the moment.

I have only a few goals for the up coming month, but the goal that I have that I am sticking to the most is obtaining level 3 and maintaing it.  Of course I want to graduate this program but what is working for me is taking every little step one little step at a time.  What I am doing at the time to move towards this goal I am handing out corrections, being a leader, and assisting staff.  But I am willing to do what I must to advance towards my goals.

I set a lot of smart goals for myself, because I realize by looking to far into the future I can’t see the present.  With School my goal is to double if not triple my track every week.  I want to be finished with school before june.  I also want to be finished with geometry by the end of this month.  For my program, I had voted up yesterday.  I want to be an upper level, and not just a good one but a great one.  By following and enforcing high standards, yet still being able to sit down and talk to my peers that I have been where they have been, I do this now, yet I feel I can still do more.  Communication with my parents, I made a goal that for this letter, I am going to let my pride down.  My parents and I have been on an ongoing cycle of let’s move on.  But before, I do I just want to say this; I am going to let my pride down and explain to my dad how I feel but without adding my two cents in the mix.  It is time for someone to take the initative and I am going to be the bigger person.  This I know will assist us in getting somewhere.  This month, I have a phone call only with my dad for the first time. I want to write in my letter what I would like to address, and state what he would like to address.  In Feburary, both my parents will be on the phone, we will be able to address everything out in the open.  In order to achieve these goals, I set that I will need to stay focused.  When school gets hard don’t give up, ask for assistance.  I also don’t want to get stressed out over little things.  I have been working on that, and I see it really helps.  I know it does get stressful on upperlevels but I know that I can make it through to a brighter day.  Above all patience, especially with my family.  Somethings my dad states I don’t agree with but I know we can work things out over time.  Something with my mom, even though somethings she says makes me sign deeply, I know she loves me.  These are the main goals that I am focused on right now, school, program and communication.  With the tools that I have obtained, I know that I will be able to achieve them.

My immediate goals for the month are to go to discovery and graduate it.  I’m going to accomplish this by going to discovery and doing what I have to do while in the seminar.  I’m going to be level 2 and keep it.  I’ll reach it by lowering my correction intake and following the rules.  I’m going to focus on my attitude because sometimes I don’t realize I give it when I do.  I’m going to reach this by not letting my attitude take over and just fight it.   Also going to continue to work with my parents, when something bugs me tell them how I really feel about it don’t avoid the issue.  Work hard at school by doing my work to the best and ask for help if I need it instead of avoiding that class.  Lean how to recongize my problems.

Coming home for me is one of the scariest things I can imagine.  Sometimes I try and convince myself that it will not be hard and life will be so much more simple after my program.  The only problem is that I am a recovering addict.  There are drugs every where in this world.  No matter what town you live in or which state you reside in.  Being in Ivy Ridge is a blessing for me, to be able to live in a sober and structured enviornment is extactly what I needed.  Everyday I wake up as a happy young man whose purpose is to help himself and others while showing his individuality.  But out in the streets its a whole new story, there are drugs around every corner.  I know my parents are scared about the possiblity that I might fall back into my old habits, but I am terrified.  We are taught that fears should never run us and I am a strong believer of that concept.  But what I went through at home to me was a living nightmare, being unable to sleep because my body was so strung up on cocaine, or not being able to be there for my family because I was too drunk.  I have dug myself into a hole and the only way out is to climb through my program and back to where it all began.  Life is too short to spend it messed up on drugs and that is my biggest fear.  To fall back into a life of hatred and depression would be the most painful thing that I could ever endure.

My fears about returning home is that I am not going to be trusted right away and that is going to create a lot of anger for me.  I am so scared to go home because I think that people will not meet my family expectations and I will not have any friends to hang out with.  There are not always going to be people that are nice and warm hearted like the family reps, directors and all of the other staff here at the Academy at Ivy Ridge.  I know that God will always be my friend and love me no matter what.  Also my parents, my parents have been very supportive of me while I have been at the Academy.  Over all my biggest fear is being around the non-working people with in society.